What I've Become
by ProfEvans
Summary: When Lily gets caught under a full moon, she's given an invitation to join the Marauders, but at what cost? Werewolf AU


I follow Remus down the dirt path below the whomping willow. He made me this, and now we'll need to find a way to keep me from hurting others for the first time. Hopefully Sirius, James, and Peter helping will work as well as it does for him, otherwise I'll really be a monster. He looks back at me like he's going to say something, but neither of us wants to talk, so he doesn't.

He does look guilty, as though he's a monster for doing this to me, but that's the same as calling a real wolf a monster for hunting its prey. It was my fault. I knew the marauders ran with a werewolf every month, but I forgot it was a full moon and stayed at Hagrid's too late. I forgot my head when I heard a howl, and I made myself a noticeable target by running. All predators hunt when something runs from them. It's what they do, and I knew better. I ran anyway.

Dirt barely softens the blow as I step too hard on the slightly raised wooden floor, shocking me back to the room we're entering.

Scratched wallpaper surrounds me, but there's no real light in here, and all the windows have been boarded. I can hear blood pounding in my ears as my heart rate increases. We begin to climb stairs, and there are animal prints in mud and dirt under my feet. The walls here house deep gouges, rather than simple scratches. This is where he transforms. I'm just like him now, so it shouldn't frighten me, right? All I can hear is the thumping of my heart.

"Remus?" My voice shakes as I force the question out. I already know the answer, but it's terrifying and I hope I'm wrong. "Where are we going?"

We pass a closed-up window before he answers, "We're already here- The Shrieking Shack."

Shit. I was right. We've finally reached the top of the staircase and now there are more windows in the walls, all securely blockaded with wooden boards and nails. Remus leads me into a dilapidated, dark bedroom with a four-poster bed. Blood-stained sheets lay crumpled on it, draping over the edge and nearly disguising the chewed bed posts.

Oh Godric. This is the room he transforms in. The room I'm going to transform in. Oh fucking Godric. And there's blood. I'm going to bleed? I thought I bled enough when Remus changed me.

All I can see is the blood on the sheets, dark brown and crusted, same as the cotton blouse I was wearing a month ago. I've tossed that now. I don't need a physical reminder of what happened-the scars are enough.

 _I was passing the Greenhouses when the spine-chilling howl sounded. Remus had transformed. I was on the grounds with a werewolf. So I ran. I tried to avoid the forest, and therefore whomping willow, as much as I could while making my beeline for the castle entrance. When I heard his paws on the ground behind me and his snarls growing louder, I tried to run faster. I failed. I felt his breath on my neck before the claws ripped into my side and spun me, leaving me face to face with a ferocious predator. Why did I run? That was so stupid. And now, I was dead at Remus' claws and teeth, and he was going to blame himself._

 _I was so busy thinking about my death, that I stopped paying any attention to the werewolf. At least until his jaws closed around my throat. A werewolf was biting into my carotid. I was going to die._

 _Stars began dancing across my dimming vision, when a magnificent stag was standing between the werewolf and I. A dog came out of nowhere and started wrestling with Remus, and I kept hearing them whine and snarl at each other. My vision came and went a few times; I was losing a lot of blood-quickly. The creature guarding me turned to look at me for a moment. Its hazel eyes met mine for less than a second._

 _James._

 _And then I was collapsed on the great buck, and he was carrying me through the castle. I hoped the dog was still alive. My world went black again._

 _The next time I saw anything, it was morning. I was in the bleached white hospital wing. It smelled like antiseptic. Wait a moment. I sniffed the air deeper. I smelled like antiseptic. James was there. I didn't see him, I was still just staring at the ceiling, but I could smell him. He'd been bleeding. That worried me, so I began to move. My movement woke James, who was resting his head on my legs. He moved quickly, murmuring my name as tears fell from his eyes. He threaded his fingers through my hair. Then James kissed every inch of my skin that he could reach. Somehow I smelled relief- from James._

 _He was kissing my neck, along my pulse, where the werewolf tore at me with his giant teeth. I could smell panic then, and it wasn't from James. It was from me. I was bitten by a werewolf last night, and I survived. I was a werewolf._

"Lily?"

My name snaps me out of my reverie to find Remus hovering over me with concern in his eyes. His eyes remind me more of a wolf than they ever have before. Are my eyes wolf-like now, too?

"How much longer?" I'm scared to know the answer, but waiting for the unknown to overtake me at some mysterious time is going to be torture.

"Not long. Probably ten minutes at most." I can smell guilt emanating off of him. I should comfort him, but I don't know what to say this time. And right now, I'm too nervous to try and figure something out; I have only ten minutes to prepare myself. Hopefully it starts before then, because I know there's no bracing for this level of pain. Remus puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me to the bed, sitting me down next to him. I know he can smell my fear, and he knows better than to try and talk me down, so he's comforting me with touch. I realize that we communicate better by feel now as I nuzzle into his shoulder in gratitude. His simple contact is helping much more than any words could.

A few minutes later, I feel a strange ache in my joints. Nothing too painful or obvious, but I know it's the start of my transformation as Remus steps away from me. He feels it too. My vision sharpens and it stops seeming so dark. I grit my teeth to brace myself. Everything looks clearer now, but the colors are faded. I look at Remus and see his wolf peering back at me. That's when everything begins.

It hurts. My bones are being jerked out of their sockets and joints. They're growing faster than if I'd had three doses of skele-gro at once, and it's not at all pleasant. Holy fucking harpies, I must be dying. I hear a piercing scream. The screeching continues, hurting my ears slightly, as I watch Remus' arms pop out of place and stretch and distort themselves in the same way mine are. I might be sick; it's entirely abhorrent to watch. The pain overpowers me, and my world goes dark for a moment before bringing up sick. As I retch, the shrieking finally stops. Oh Godric, that unpleasant sound was me? The pain moves to my hips, and I feel my legs swell and tear apart from themselves; the howling returns, though now I can actually feel it rip at my throat. And then I remember nothing.

I wake up to the smell of antiseptic again. I breathe deeply through my nose, taking advantage of the one thing I'm growing to enjoy: the improved sense of scent. I can smell all the marauders, but they've been bleeding and Sirius is worried. I finally open my eyes, and the world's gone blurry. I blink a few times, desperately trying to clear my vision, but it isn't working. Why can't I see properly?

"It's the change," Remus' quiet, raspy voice floats over to me. "The wolf sees so much sharper than us so it's hard to see clearly when you wake up. At least it is for the first few transformations, but you get used to it eventually."

I stretch some and begin sitting up. Holy harpies, I'm sore. I hurt everywhere. I should have seen it coming, after watching Remus for so long, but Godric it really hurts! Sirius jumps over to me as I move, clearly glad to see I'm awake. He and Peter are both surprised. Didn't they hear Remus talking to me? Was he speaking so softly that they couldn't hear him?

Wait. Sirius is right in front of me talking to me? At me? However he's talking, I can see him right there. Remus is hovering just a little behind him, harder to make out, leaving Peter's vague shape sitting near a bed further away. And none of them are bleeding, but I smell fresh blood.

"Where's James?"

I need to know; it isn't met with an immediate answer, but by uneasy glances amongst them. I force myself to wait for a response, but when there hasn't been a response half a minute later, I release a growl. "Where. Is. James?"

Sirius gives him away with a sheepish glance. Fuck. James really was injured. He's a patient as well, then. I leap from my bed and try to ignore the pain coursing through me as I stumble to James' bedside. I nearly knock Peter over before crashing into the neighboring bed. That doesn't help the pain. I slow down as I approach his unmoving form.

I force my eyes to focus on James' new imperfections, causing my head to pound. His chest is covered in red, puckered wounds with only a thin layer of skin closing them. My heart aches for the pain he went through. The gashes were definitely made by a werewolf's claws. One of the stripes across his arm broke open, and is the source of the blood I smelled. There are two jagged gashes across his left cheek. He was mauled. There's no other way to say it. And there's this feeling in my gut, this unabashed guilt. I wouldn't hurt him. I couldn't. Could I? I look to Remus, and I know.

I mauled James last night. _I_ did this to him.

I don't know when they appeared, but tears are running like rivers down my face. I attacked James. How could I? I didn't bite him, did I? Merlin, he's been torn to shreds! It's a miracle he's alive, even if his breathing is still shallow. Oh Godric, I'm a monster. Only a monster could do this to the man she loves. Even in sleep, he radiates pain. Sleep is supposed to be the one time a victim can be at peace. But I shredded him so viciously he doesn't even have that escape. My breath hitches and my chest aches. I did this. I'm a monster.

James is doing better now. It's been a couple days since I woke up in the hospital wing, and I can finally see normally again. They told me I slept for an entire day after that moon. It seems like a long time, though Remus says he slept longer after his initial transformation. He keeps telling me how well I handled my first full moon like it's some kind of compliment, but I'm sure he's just trying to distract me from the monster I've become. They argue with me, but it doesn't matter; I know what I am.

The professors all granted me extensions for my schoolwork. Even so, I've been working almost non-stop on it. If I don't study, I have time to imagine James in that starched, white bed. If I don't write word after word in pointless essays, I'm stuck remembering how much pain I caused. If new spells aren't distracting me, I start to realize how appetizing the blood smelled. If I'm not completing my coursework, I'm dwelling on how terrifying I am now. I've evolved into a beast that craves pain, suffering, and human flesh. And I can't think about that, because it horrifies me. So I study.

I also avoid James. It upsets him, but he lets me get away with it. I'm glad he does; otherwise I start to remember. That's even more disturbing than my current memories. I've seen snippets of a handsome stag bleeding under my paws, and once-of a man. I don't want to know any more than that. It's already too much.

So I study.

I'm in the library focusing on the method of brewing Skele-Gro. It's complicated and Professor Slughorn wants us to try it in class tomorrow. I can't help but think about how badly I need to learn this lesson; how else will I make up for all the damage I'll cause? I should find the recipe for the Wound Cleaning Potion as well. I had been hoping to become a healer, so I have it written down somewhere, but healing is out of the question for me now. I can't focus on helping people while simultaneously wanting to tear into them.

 _Flesh was between my teeth. Blood oozed from below my paws._

Oh Merlin, no. Not again. James is walking toward me and the memory intensifies.

 _I tore into the bronze fur with my sharp new teeth. I swiped at the stag's massive antlers with my dagger-like claws. I landed on a human's limp, bleeding body. He smelled like pain. He smelled like fear._

 _He smelled delectable._

A calloused hand on my arm pulls me away from the nightmare I'm afraid to re-live. I look up into his sparkling hazel eyes, and I can't hold his gaze. I drop my eyes and see the scars on his cheek. I'm ashamed, so I look down to his pushed-up sleeves and I find proof of my worst nightmare just above his elbow- I bit James. He opens his mouth to speak, and I run. I don't care that I left my books; I can get them later. But I can't talk to him now. I couldn't talk to him when I thought I only scratched him. Now that I know I bit him? It's too much.

I'll study later.

I keep studying, but I've caught up on homework already. What's worse- the classes that I used to love, that used to be an easy escape for me, are torture now. Making Skele-Gro in Potions nearly made me sick the other day. All of the chopping and juicing of ingredients gave me a migraine. The fumes from the fires and the potions all around, especially the ones that were going poorly, made me nauseated. It's a real wonder I made it out of the dungeons without vomiting or bursting into tears. Just now I had Herbology, and I don't know how I survived. It shouldn't have been so bad, apart from the damned dragon dung smell- we were just collecting Alihotsy leaves for Professor Slughorn. However, Sirius thought it'd be funny to dare Peter to eat one-so of course he did. He spent the rest of class laughing maniacally and making my head pound.

I can't even walk right now. I'm just standing outside the greenhouses with my eyes closed, breathing in the mostly-fresh air at last. My head still hurts so much I want to cry. I'm done with class for the day, and I don't want to go back inside.

I force myself to move, despite the pain; each step hammers through my head. I walk to the far side of the lake and sit on my favorite rock outcrop. This is where I can always clear my head. This is where I can think and be alone. Here, the air only smells like lake and forest.

The giant squid waves its tentacle at me, so I wave back. Some things are so normal; it seems impossible that I've become a monster. Across the lake I can see James and the other marauders sitting under their beloved beech tree. Other students are milling around, enjoying the last of the snow-free weather. They're all excited for the first quidditch game next weekend. Remus wants me to go; he says it's good for me to act as though everything is normal. I don't see how going to a quidditch game is normal for me, but I'll give it a shot anyway.

Some kid howls with his friends, and even though it isn't the same, it reminds me of Remus' howl and sends shivers down my spine. We're both monsters- in this together-except he didn't attack James. Godric, I almost _killed_ James. I was wrong about calling Remus a monster. I'm the only monster around, because he doesn't try to kill people he cares about. That's the difference. He could be a monster, but he isn't.

 _A brown and grey speckled wolf nudged me. I growled at him. I tasted blood. I felt it matting my fur. He turned and growled at me. I faced off with him and began to snarl. We stood tall with teeth bared, growling at each other for a moment. Neither of us backed down. Then, he lunged at me and snapped his teeth just shy of my neck. No, I refused to back down. I growled louder. Moony tried to force me to admit he's more dominant. He crouched, prepared to attack. He lunged at me, snapping near my throat again before he bit the back of my neck and held it._

 _I held strong as long as I could, but he was more dominant, and we both knew it. I whimpered for him to release me, and when he did I lowered myself. I rolled on my back to show him my belly. I was vulnerable to Moony, and I hated it. He clamped down on my throat for a moment. When he let go, he nudged me again, telling me to follow him. So I did._

Oh for Salazar's sake, I even started a fight with Remus! Even in monster form, he was trying to help and protect me, and I fought him on it.

"Lils, are you alright?" James' voice makes me jump. I didn't hear or smell him approach, but now that I'm aware of his presence, I smell concern again. I don't understand how he can be worried about me. He should be angry or afraid- he keeps forgetting I'm a monster.

But I don't. So, I brush past him and return to the common room as quickly as I can.

Quidditch. I can understand the hype, but for the most part I'd still rather be reading. Even so, Remus' insistence on my attendance at this game doesn't actually bother me- watching James' rippling muscles as he darts around the pitch is definitely absorbing. He's beautiful. Each time he launches the quaffle, his bicep bulges, and each time he catches it, his abs sharpen through his robes. I'm actually-Merlin, help me- grateful for my monstrous qualities; without them I'd never be able to notice the details in his sculpted, gorgeous body.

My beautiful boyfriend is leading our team to a win. His hair is ruffling back with the wind, and a bludger flies out of nowhere and knocks him out of the air. I see James tumble off his broom as though he's in slow motion, and my heart and brain just stop. I'm watching him fall, until Professor McGonagall shouts out the slowing charm. He finishes floating to the ground gradually and Remus, Peter, and I run to his limp body together. His nose is bleeding, and the blood on his face while he lays unconscious sends me reeling. I'm reliving that damn night again.

I can't handle it. So I run. Again.

I'm really tired of running. I used to be stronger and braver than this. Being a monster has made me a coward. I hate myself.

I hear the crowd cheer a few more times before the entire pitch seems to be roaring at the world. Within minutes, the crowd starts to surge out of the stadium. I think we won. I'll have to congratulate James at some point- he's been working so hard as captain and it apparently paid off. I sit here, under the tree on the edge of the lake where no one has any reason to look. I'm unnoticed and alone, and it's nice. But I've been alone a lot lately. I'm getting lonely.

I want to run over and join the celebration, I really do. Only, they don't deserve that. The other Gryffindors haven't earned the company of a monster, so I'm not about to force them to put up with it. Instead, I sit here and watch them trickle out of the pitch and toward the castle, until someone starts walking over to the lake. He's in red and gold quidditch robes.

 _James._

I'm trying to think of a good excuse this time. I don't want to run again, but I don't want to talk either. I'm coming up with a lot of blanks. _Shit, what am I going to say?_

"Lils," his voice startles me. I didn't realize he'd gotten so close. I stand up to avoid him, and his arms are suddenly on either side of me, blocking me in with my back to the beech tree. "No. You can't keep running."

Tears are already welling behind my eyes. I can't face being a monster. I can't _deal_ with this. I'm looking anywhere but at him, avoiding his eyes at all costs. I can't stand the thought of him seeing me like this, but his being blind to it and loving me anyway might just be worse.

"Lils," James repeats, placing a finger below my chin and tilting my face up to make me meet his eyes. "You need to talk to me. You can't do this alone, and you don't need to. I'm _here_ for you, until the very end."

"But I'm a _monster!_ " My barricades finally break down, and it's as though the floodgates have been opened. Tears are streaming as I'm screaming at him. "I attacked you! I savaged you and bit you and you keep acting like I've done nothing wrong. But those things? That's what a monster does! I can't stand to think about it. Every time you bleed, I remember that night. When I just _think_ about what I am, I start remembering you as prey, or fighting Moony. I was out of control, and it can't happen again!"

He pulls my shaking body against his strong one, and strokes my hair while I sob into his shoulder. My victim is soothing me. I should stop him, and tell him to go away and protect his dignity; I can't bear to leave the stronghold that's keeping me together. After a minute, he kisses the top of my head before whispering in my ear, "You don't remember all of it, do you?"

I sniffle myself to a forced state of calm before I pull away from him and shake my head. He sits down and waits for me to join him. I could run; maybe I should, but I'm really tired of being a coward. So I sit. Fear radiates through me, until he takes my hand and threads his fingers through mine. I really don't deserve his love or kindness still, but I need it.

"Well, we started our night differently than usual. There were a few lessons we had learned from introducing ourselves to Moony, and we wanted to make it as easy and smooth as possible for you. So, you and Moony left the shack on your own, with the three of us out of sight, and the two little ones were the first to approach you. You didn't lose control or anything, so Pads stayed quiet and I walked over."

He's talking like he's just telling a story about a weird day of classes or something- like it's just an average memory. I know what's coming though. Merlin, I really don't want to hear this.

"Godric, Lily. You were so beautiful," I quit looking down and meet his eyes in shock. He just called me, werewolf me, beautiful? James has his giant goofy grin on- the one I first saw when I finally agreed to a date- and his eyes are shining, so I seem to have heard him right. "You're this fierce red-blonde wolf, so you keep a bit of your hair color. And you still have your eyes. I've never seen a wolf anywhere near as gorgeous."

He's mooning over my wolf. What?

Every cell in my brain just stops. He's mooning over my wolf? I know this is James the Incorrigible I'm talking about, but my wolf attacked him! He _must_ be mad.

The dreamy twinkle in his eyes fades as he starts analyzing what went wrong.

"We should have known you might bite me. Honestly, I was too afraid to hope for it, because it's all I've ever wanted. It really shouldn't have mattered, but Pete freaked. I mean, he freaked last time too, but then he was already terrified of Moony so when he bit Pads, Pete just froze."

"Wait. _What?_ " I interrupt him. James clearly has some long explanation planned, but I'm so confused right now. Honestly, I stopped listening after he said it was all he's ever wanted. "You _wanted_ me to bite you?"

"Well, not exactly, but yeah," he takes a deep breath to start another explanation. "Apparently, when a werewolf sees its mate, it feels the need to claim its territory with a bite on their arm. Or at least you and Moony do," I raise my eyebrow in question and wait for him to answer. "The first time Moony met the three of us, he bit Pads in just about the same spot. Pete freaked then too, but since he was already so scared, he just froze. Now though, we've gotten used to a werewolf and he knows how to get Moony's attention. So when you attacked and he freaked, he responded like you were Moony, instead of a wolf on her first moon who didn't know us. He shouldn't have done anything. It was a stupid move for Pete, and it's really what got me hurt. You were just giving me a love bite."

James concludes everything with a smirk, as though it's adorable that I bit him and now I should think so too and everything should make sense, so I ask him the obvious question, "What did Peter do?"

"He bit your paw. With Moony, it works to make him take notice and usually shocks him back into his own mind, more or less. But with a new wolf, you were hurting and just trying to make the pain stop. You didn't realize I was there or that you were hurting me. As soon as you were free of Pete, you stopped. You tried to make sure I was okay, and when I wasn't and Moony wanted you to leave me, you stood up to him to try to protect me."

He ends his story there, and lets me process everything. Does all of that mean I'm _not_ a monster? I was claiming James, trying to make my own pain stop, and trying to protect him. I'm definitely an animal, there's no arguing that, but Moony bit Padfoot too. So, I'm at least no more of a monster than he is. And he's not a monster. I've told him that for years. Logically, I'm not a monster.

I still feel a bit like a monster, even though I'm apparently not, but relief is flooding through my veins at the conclusion. I can live with being an animal. Hell, with the marauders at my side, it could even be fun.

I look up at James again, and for the first time in a month and a half, I smile a real and hopeful grin at him. I'm _not_ a monster, just a beast protecting herself and her mate. Just then, it hits me: Prongs is my wolf's mate. That makes James my soulmate. The arrogant toerag who tortured me for years is my soulmate? I inspect his face, already turned bright and gleeful again, and my grin erupts into a full smile. He may have been an arrogant toerag before, but the kind, hopeful, brave, and fiercely loyal man in front of me happens to be _my_ toerag now.

James Potter is my soulmate.


End file.
